I think one of the hard things about recovery work is that life doesn’t stop while you are in the process. It keeps on giving us new challenges, new heartaches, new windows into our souls, no matter how hard we try to protect ourselves from it all.
I want to protest this. I want to rebel. I want to hide. But that is my pattern. And this is the very thing that I need to face when life sends all these new things my way, that I have a pattern that I need to address and try to work through; another thing, yet another thing to work through.
What I have wanted for myself is some space to do my recovery work and not have to deal with present things. I have tried to organize my life in such a way that I keep life at a safe distance, I don’t want to deal with fresh wounds while working on old ones. I have tried and have failed. But this ‘failure’ was bound to happen, because life doesn’t stop for us while we are dealing with the past. I was trying to use an old coping method of withdrawing in order to facilitate my healing process, and have come to find out that my healing needs to include this very same coping method that is dysfunctional. I hate this stuff sometimes!
I am at a crossroad. I know the path I want to take, the one that seems familiar and safe. I know this path will only lead me into a circle and bring me right back to this same crossroad. I have been in this circle for years. I know I need to choose the other path if I am going to move forward. Fear grips me. The new path, the one that is so unfamiliar to me seems dark and dangerous, and yet I know this is only an illusion of my own making. I am seeing what I expect to see instead of what is really there.
Last week I was praying for courage. This week I am praying for courage and a new pair of eyes.
I want eyes that can see the possibilities instead of just darkness and danger. My prayer.
Carla,
ReplyDeleteI was thinking this week about this very subject. I was thinking about how I still had to do life while I was in the depth of recovery. I guess I was thinking about it because I hear so often from people who say they don't have time to "recover" they don't have the time to spend on themselves. And that made me think about why people say that. But life does go on and it also gets better! I was in so much pain anyway that I decided I might as well just dive in and see if the pain was going to kill me or not.... I knew that I was already dying so I had nothing to lose. And I was right, I had everything to gain. And I have that light now. I have that freedom now.
I love your last line ~
Hugs, Darlene
Thank you Darlene. I really do believe we almost have to be in a place of desperation, that do or die frame of mind in order to keep going when we are doing the 'dual process' of working through past pain and dealing with present troubles/pains. Knowing that going backward to my old way of dealing with things will not get me where I want to be in life is what keeps me going. :)
ReplyDeleteHugs! Carla
Carla, I love this post. I've done this so many times. Get to the cross roads, turn left (or right) and keep doing the same turns and ending up at the same cross roads once again.
ReplyDeleteThe new path is not so scary and dark as we think, we are just so used to seeing familiar things on our old paths we close our eyes when looking down the new path. It seems that's what I do.
My feet are reluctant to take those steps, my heart lurches and my mind pulls back but my spirit aches to heal and it pushes and pulls me forward.
Praying that you can move to that new road, that new path to healing. Bless you!
Mystic Mom, thank you for your comment. Going around in circles may feel familiar and comfy for a time, but eventually makes us dizzy, huh? AND we realize eventually that we are getting nowhere fast. Taking that new path is scary, like you I have parts that are willing and parts that cling to the well worn path I'm used to.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I'm still standing at the crossroad. But that's ok, I'm determined not to go back down the old path, just need to gather myself together, with one mind, to step into that new one. Thank you for your encouragement. :)
Hugs, Carla