Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Near Collision, Rage and Milestones
I almost had a head on collision with a tanker truck yesterday on my way home from work. It scared the S#!% out of me! But today I realized it was a milestone in my recovery process. An awesome milestone for me!
Here’s how it started. When I left work I had this really heavy feeling come over me. It was one of those things that happens every so often, when you get this sense that something terrible is going to happen. It is different from the normal hyper-vigilance that is always with me, it was a ‘knowing’ that there was danger, somehow, somewhere, some way. I’ve had this happen many times before and have learned from experience to pay attention to this, I am almost always proven right about it, if not myself, then someone I know, and it’s usually imminent. About 2 blocks from work it grew stronger, so I said a prayer. I didn’t know if it had to do with me, or with someone I was connected to, but I knew something was going to happen. So I prayed for safety for myself and everyone I knew, and for awareness.
About 40 minutes into my drive, I was on a country 2 lane road, approaching a sharp curve on my left going up a steep hill. As I was into the curve I saw a tanker truck heading down the hill at full speed and he was well over the center line in my lane. Full speed. He was going to hit me head on. I had a split second to save myself and I pulled on my steering wheel, hard right and ran off the road. And for the life of me, I don’t know how he missed me. He was right there and then he was past me, it was only a matter of seconds. He never slowed down, he never stopped, he just kept on going.
I was sitting there in the grass, just short of going over a bank. And rage came boiling up in me. I was totally, completely filled with rage! I started calling that man every foul word known to humankind. It all came flying out of me, I was yelling it with a lot of, ummmm, passion! He could have killed me! That dumb ass could have killed me! And he didn’t even slow down or stop to see if I was ok!
I pulled myself together in a matter of a minute or less really. Got back on the road and headed up that hill and made my way home. And I can tell you that within the next 30 minutes of my drive, my mind was well on to other things. It happened and I processed it and it was over.
That has never happened before in my life!!! A milestone!!!
I actually experienced something very traumatic for me, and instead of dissociating (going totally numb and into a conscious fog), I experienced very clear emotions and allowed them to happen in the moment. It was pure rage and I let it fly. I didn’t push it under, I didn’t hide from it, I let it happen. And then I was able to go on with my evening, no anxiety, no continued state of dissociation (as was the way I have always responded to these kinds of events in life), I had processed the experience and it was over. And I was free from it. And this evening when I rounded that same curve, I was NOT feeling afraid. It came into my mind, I said out loud “Asshole!” and then went on about my business!
Two things that settled in for me in this experience:
One: I have turned a corner in my process. I am beginning to be able to stay with my emotions when they happen. This has NEVER been the case, I have always pushed them down, creating anxiety; or I have dissociated from them completely, creating numbness and accompanied amnesia for highly emotional events. Either way, it was not healthy, as the events were never processed and never released through the necessary emotional response, so they were stored in this pressure cooker I have going on inside me. A volcano ready to erupt at any time…
I am making tremendous progress!!! And I am thrilled, more than I can say!
Miss calm, cool and collected over here is actually starting to FEEL things! And even though I don’t ever want to stare down the front of a tanker truck again, I can tell you that I am happy it happened in the way it did, because it showed me where I am, and that’s a good thing!!! A VERY GOOD THING!
Two: I will forever pay attention to my gut when I feel danger is imminent!!! We are given these instincts for a reason. Responding with a sincere prayer has always been sufficient and I am always amazed at finding out how important this was in that moment. Too many instances to even recount in this post. And anyone who knows me at this stage, knows that I am not what you would call a religious fanatic, I have way too many issues around this stuff, STILL. But I also know that there is a force out there at work. Some call it God, some call it the Universe, some call it all kinds of stuff! All I know is it is there, it sends us impressions, and when it does this, all it seems to need is a response from us (for some strange reason that I will probably never figure out). BUT IN THAT I AM A TRUE BELIEVER!!! Because I have lived miracles. I am living a miracle right now. :)