Saturday, April 16, 2011

You Get What You Need

This song has been playing in my head for a few days now. I’m gonna say it is one the great rock n roll truisms. And what I mean by that is there is a great deal of wisdom in this. But as I was thinking it through, I came to the conclusion that the completed truth of it goes more like this: You can’t always get what you think you want, but if you try you will find you get what you need, which in the end is what you really do want. Because bottom line is, sometimes what we think we want is not what we need. And what we really need, deep down, is what we really want to begin with, we just can’t figure out what it is, or we go looking for it in all the wrong ways or places or people or ideals or things.

What I think is basic to every human soul, what we each really need, is love and truth. And love that is true, not love that is false. And a love that is true is one that sees your value and accepts you without impossible expectations or limitations, but doesn’t stop there. A true love always wants the very best for you and will strive to help you get there. And it may not always be pleasant, this love that wants the best. But in the end it is exactly what we are looking for regardless. A love that sees your value and all that you can be as a whole, thriving person. And this true love starts with ourselves. Loving and accepting ourselves and wanting what is best for ourselves.

As is true with many people, I spent my whole life in the horrible cycle of looking 'out there' for what I thought I wanted. I looked for it in all the wrong people and places and ideals and things, and always ended up terribly wounded, and terribly empty, and then finally in complete despair. And one day, I will never forget that day, I was driving on a country road and this deep anguish came over me, and I was looking for a reason, any reason, to not drive my car at high speed into the nearest tree. The tears were pouring out of me and the sobs were coming from the deepest place, and I couldn’t find a reason to not drive into a tree. And in that moment I had a choice. And even though I couldn’t come up with a reason, I chose to try one more time. And I cried out, “God, I need help. If you are real I need help because I can’t fix what’s wrong anymore and I have tried all the Christian religions and doctrines and advice and all that I know from every other place and it’s not working. None of it is working. But I need you to help me or I am not going to make it.”

It was the choice that opened up the door for me to get what I needed. And what I needed was healing. And I didn’t even know it at the time. I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know anything. But I tried one more time and it opened up the door. The door of some kind of plan, one in which I was totally unaware of, but one where each step was laid out for me one by one. And I just took each step as it appeared before me, some of it didn’t seem to make any sense whatsoever. And some of it still doesn't, not while I'm in the step. But I can be assured that because I made that choice and have embraced the process with intention, it is going to work out in my favor. It actually amazes me, time and time again.

It has been just about 7 years since the day I made that choice, and I am so thankful that I tried one more time. And I can say to anyone who will listen, my path has been a miracle. It has been a miracle, I could not have invented this path, from that moment in my car until this very minute, not in my wildest dreams. And through this path I am being healed with each passing day. And I would never in a million years have expected to have to go through this kind of a process, this kind of a journey, but it has been the most awesome journey toward self-love and self-acceptance, which will in turn open the door to more love and more acceptance, in truth.

Which in the end is going to be what I needed and ultimately what I wanted all along.

If you try sometimes, you just might get what you need.


  1. How sweet it is. I did not know what I needed either just that I needed something. I was a broken person. The older I got the more I thought this is what being an adult is but that emptiness remained. Ten years ago I searched real hard for a year saw enough to go silent again. This time I was desperate enough to see the process through. Had to go all the way to do or die. The work has been worth every tear every sob. By all this effort I found myself under the veil that protected me well as a child but held me down as an adult.Now that I no longer value escaping from my truths I can make new truths today and even change the way I see the truths of yesterday. Such a great thing to finally control my truth rather than trying to control my truth. I love your post it is the breaking through we so needed that we stopped from happening.

  2. we're glad you made that choice too! journey on genie! kathy

  3. Edward, breaking through that fear of seeing under the veil is a huge huge deal in this whole healing process! But like you say, it was meant to protect us as children, but becomes a hindrance when we are adults, it covers the wound instead of allowing the healing to take place. I am so proud to be a witness to your current part of your very own path, it is truly inspiring! You are truly inspiring!

    Thank you for being here and sharing your wonderful thoughts!
    Carla :)

  4. Kathy! I appreciate, more than you know, your continued support in what I know looks often very confusing from your side! lol But hopefully you will be able to see how fruitful this whole process is. :)

  5. Every step of my healing journey has been guided and blessed by having the right person show up everytime that I needed someone, when I couldn't go on by myself. Without those people and the blessings that they brought to my life, I would have had a much different, much worse life.

    That first person was an older woman, older than my parents, who befriended me in my 2nd year at a junior college. With the incest, I had reached the point of either leaving home (I ran away.) or having a breakdown and totally losing myself. I could not take any more stress.

    She gave me a place to live for the summer and helped me do all the things to go on to a 4 year college in the Fall. Without her help, I have no doubt that I would have been out on the streets in no time at all or I wouldn't have run away from home and I would have had that breakdown and would have been put in a mental institute in 1971. That is just one example.